The Globe and Mail and I Are ‘Like This’

I’m delighted to inform you that after sending out 9 million #$% articles for hopeful publication and being issued 1 restraining order, (Dear Huffington Post:  The LAST thing I want right now is to be “within 10 feet of your building” so suck it.) the Globe and Mail came to their senses and published my article on the joys of teaching our teenager to drive.  Check out the illustration; the woman looks like she just downed a bottle of pain killers. Why the hell didn’t I think of that? It would have been more pleasant. Note: Our son still speaks to me but we don’t do a lot of road trips together.  Also, our younger son now drives as well and I’d like to say that experience was easier.  Let’s leave it at that ok?

Here it is folks.  Please enjoy!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/were-in-for-a-bumpy-ride-now-my-teenage-son-is-behind-the-wheel/article21653738/

They Wanted to Photoshop my Muffin Top

By now, you’ve probably seen Kim Kardashian’s birthday suit on the cover of Paper magazine. I hate to be the one to tell you but she wasn’t their first choice.  I was. You heard me.  Although I stopped doing full frontals last Monday in 2012, I did briefly consider the offer.  However, after wrangling over the finer details of the contract, I had to go with my gut.  In the end I turned them down for several reasons:

• The photographer insisted I shave my legs and underarms for the shoot. In November.  Very funny.
• My lower back hurts when I bend forward with my butt in the air. My facial expression is never sultry when that happens.
• They wanted to Photoshop my muffin top. I wanted to look saggy authentic.
• Prop people get all huffy when you eat pizza during naked shoots. Pardon me for having the appetite of a linebacker and the body of a super nova.

model.

• When I’m covered in oil like that I always end up sliding face first down that stupid pole. What do you mean ‘which pole’??  The one the magazine staff always insist I swing around to warm up for the shoot, obviously. Duh.
• I hate it when make-up and hair people flit about and get in my way while I sit there freezing, naked and trying to take selfies. Nothing worse than a self-absorbed crew…
• Though I have been practising it since my wedding night, I simply cannot balance a glass on my (taut) @ss while I pour champagne into it (the glass, Smart Mouth). Hats off (but not gloves. She did have those on) to Kim K. for mastering that!
• I didn’t want to break the Internet…again…this week. (Check out my Twitter feed. Cough. Cough.)
• I always need a cigarette afterwards but thanks to stupid rules, I have to smoke outside. Buck naked. While getting arrested.   Been there, done that.
• The money was a total joke. Oh yea, right. I’m gonna miss a day’s pay for a measly ten grand! Who’s the idiot now, Kim?  Don’t answer that.  I just did the math. CRAP!!!

I’ll admit it. Kim’s photos don’t look half bad and I’m sure that helped the magazine to get over my refusal but sometimes when I’m deep in thought, stroking my beard, I wonder if I made a colossal mistake.  Is turning down this photo shoot going to be my one big regret??  Let’s face it: That could have been me on the cover wearing nothing but a lemur as a scarf (My idea. They hated it. Whatever.)  Oh well.  At least I stuck to my ‘no shaving in the off season’ rule.  That counts for something, right? Answer me.

Book Review

Laughter is much less costly than say- a divorce or a lobotomy. Duh.  Well, I just finished reading fellow blogger, Stacey Gustafson’s book: Are You Kidding Me?  My Life with an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives and I’m calling my lobotomy surgeon immediately.  This series of anecdotes will resonate with any woman, especially those who are still nurturing- and by that I mean barely surviving- teenagers.  Stacey shines a light on everyday situations and finds humor in them such as in her piece, The Rewrapper in which she hones her best Academy-award winning acceptance speeches when faced with stupid  questionable gifts from her loved ones.  We can all relate…not that I don’t love the duct tape I get in my Christmas stocking, sweetie. I do. Really.(not)

One of the last essays in the book, Letter from Mom, depicts what many of us really want on special, family-centered holidays: To have someone else do all the work and to be left the the heck alone.  I wrote a similar piece so obviously, we are both slaves brilliant and just because hers is in a published book and mine isn’t is no big deal so quit bringing it up!!

Click here to read or re-read (apologies to my faithful blog followers) the piece I wrote on Thanksgiving:  https://onehotflashinmama.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/happy-thankshgiving-hic/

Speaking of special holidays, Stacey Gustafson’s book would make a perfect Christmas gift for a middle-aged friend who is at this moment perched on a ledge, hanging by her fingernails.  Buy the book:  http://www.amazon.com/Kidding-Extremely-Bathroom-Calamities-Relatives/dp/1937303314/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415710699&sr=1-1&keywords=are+you+kidding+me