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They Wanted to Photoshop my Muffin Top

By now, you’ve probably seen Kim Kardashian’s birthday suit on the cover of Paper magazine. I hate to be the one to tell you but she wasn’t their first choice.  I was. You heard me.  Although I stopped doing full frontals last Monday in 2012, I did briefly consider the offer.  However, after wrangling over the finer details of the contract, I had to go with my gut.  In the end I turned them down for several reasons:

  • The photographer insisted I shave my legs and underarms for the shoot. In November.  Very funny.
  • My lower back hurts when I bend forward with my butt in the air. My facial expression is never sultry when that happens.
  • They wanted to Photoshop my muffin top. I wanted to look saggy authentic.
  • Prop people get all huffy when you eat pizza during naked shoots. Pardon me for having the appetite of a linebacker and the body of a super nova.
  • model.

  • When I’m covered in oil like that I always end up sliding face first down that stupid pole. What do you mean ‘which pole’??  The one the magazine staff always insist I swing around to warm up for the shoot, obviously. Duh.
  • I hate it when make-up and hair people flit about and get in my way while I sit there freezing, naked and trying to take selfies. Nothing worse than a self-absorbed crew…
  • Though I have been practising it since my wedding night, I simply cannot balance a glass on my (taut) @ss while I pour champagne into it (the glass, Smart Mouth). Hats off (but not gloves. She did have those on) to Kim K. for mastering that!
  • I didn’t want to break the Internet…again…this week. (Check out my Twitter feed. Cough. Cough.)
  • I always need a cigarette afterwards but thanks to stupid rules, I have to smoke outside. Buck naked. While getting arrested.   Been there, done that.
  • The money was a total joke. Oh yea, right. I’m gonna miss a day’s pay for a measly ten grand! Who’s the idiot now, Kim?  Don’t answer that.  I just did the math. CRAP!!!

I’ll admit it. Kim’s photos don’t look half bad and I’m sure that helped the magazine to get over my refusal but sometimes when I’m deep in thought, stroking my beard, I wonder if I made a colossal mistake.  Is turning down this photo shoot going to be my one big regret??  Let’s face it: That could have been me on the cover wearing nothing but a lemur as a scarf (My idea. They hated it. Whatever.)  Oh well.  At least I stuck to my ‘no shaving in the off season’ rule.  That counts for something, right? Answer me.

photo (31)


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