Oh right- you’re just sooo perfect! News flash–Just because I procrastinate and lack focus, drive and vision does not mean I’ll never make it in this stupid world. And who even cares that I’ve been saying for 30 years: I should write a book. I have a great idea for a children’s book. I would absolutely write a book but it’s hardly my fault the market is saturated and my pretend agent quit which again… not my fault.
Well, you can stop talking about me behind my back because I did write a children’s book thank you very much. You heard me. I wrote it with two of my favorite people: myself and I. Yep. It’s a real book and it’s going to be published by a real publisher named Chocolate River Publishing in Riverview, NB. I’ll be sure to wave at you when I’m on Ellen. (PS- Despite the tone I’m copping here, I really need you to buy 10 books MINIMUM as I need new granite counter tops. Promise? Blessings to you and your family!)
The book is called Follow the Goose Butt, Camelia Airheart! and it’s about a Canada goose with no sense of direction and no- it is not autobiographical, thank you very much! Besides… having no sense of direction is an adorable trait which leads to out of the way road trips, unplanned adventures and divorce- so suck it. Ta da! Here’s the cover:
Fine. Be weird and super nitpicky about the details– I suppose I did have a tiny bit of help writing it, but I still deserve the lion’s share of the royalties no matter what those stupid lawyers say! My co-writers, (Put your bloody glasses on if you can’t see! Hardly my fault.) did contribute to the book. Blah. Blah. Blah. If you must know–Two years ago, the three of us were on a road trip to a writers’ workshop when they came up with the silly idea of writing a book about a Canada goose with no sense of direction. I said, “What a great idea! Wait… It’s great because geese normally have a sense of direction, right guys? Answer me!!” (Don’t say I said so but it became clear early on that they were ‘know it alls’). I daydreamed about my impending fame while they blathered on about a goose named after some famous female pilot I’ve never even heard of who gets lost in New Brunswick and searches for a place named Branta Bog because apparently the scientific name…or genus (huh??) of geese is ‘Branta’. OMG Whatever. (I still prefer my idea about a pony that eats poison grass and spews purple foam from its mouth (HAHA! Right?) but we can’t all have what we want, apparently.)
Anyway, I was hesitant to go ahead with this project for obvious reasons, one being that I’m a diva lone wolf. Once my creative writing juices start flowing, I do not tolerate interruptions. See for yourself how I roll:
Turn on computer. Make coffee. Drink coffee. Check Facebook. Check Twitter. Dry dishes. Make more coffee. Drink coffee. Have a light surf and turf snack. Stare out the window. Re-heat coffee. Sigh. Pluck chin hair. Check Pinterest. Check Facebook. Fold clothes. Stare at screen. Sigh. Imagine fame. Smile. Go for walk. Turn off computer.
Oh, pardon me. You were crowned Ms Productivity 2015 were you?? Well, drop dead for ME, thinking and eating planning are a huge part of the writing process. You can’t just jump right in. You have to daydream a little. Everyone knows that. Everyone except that is. Cripes. Here’s where the rubber hit the road:
Them: Let’s get started tomorrow.
Me: Well, why the rush not!? (Nervous laughter)
Our first meeting was at house. I knew this collaboration was going to be a total disaster when I looked up after six minutes of non-stop writing and realized we hadn’t taken a break. When I dared to suggest I needed a nap or a snack, they got in such a huff! Oh- and when we finally went for a walk on the gorgeous beach in front of her gorgeous house (show-off) and I pointed to a flock of ducks overhead and by mistake yelled, “GEESE!” was the second time they got all huffy on me. Deep breath, . Jeepers.
We each had something to bring to the writing table but mainly me. thinks big and says we’ll get Camelia Airheart on TV, even though I’m the one who should be on TV. Hmmph. She also sings and she wrote and recorded the Branta Bog Ballad for our book, which I could have done in my sleep but no one asked, for the record. is logical and practical and tells us we have to write the thing first and that no we can’t finish this book and write a sitcom by the end of the day (no one likes her). Oh, and she just happens to be the big shot illustrator for our book. I submitted goose drawings for the book too but they said, “Don’t call us. We’ll call you.” Fine. Be that way. Well, news flash– I also have talents: I drink a lot of coffee for inspiration and sometimes I get chocolate on my face from snack break persnickety and scream say stuff like: “Oh yes we will use a colon rather than a dash!” See? We’re all special in our own way.
By the end of summer, I have to say I was getting tired of their constant lording their hoity toity facts over me. Yes, we wanted the book to be an authentic representation of our province but good Lord! At times I felt like I was in a friggin’ geography class. Check it:
Geese come from the Gulf of Mexico at that time of year.
The Bay of Fundy has tides.
New Brunswick has many trees.
Blah. Blah. Blah. I held my head high though. I’m no idiot and I had important information to share too. Check it:
Debating between ‘a’ and ‘the’ for 1.5 hours is NOT obsessive. It’s called editing. Google it for once in your life.
A semi-colon most certainly can be used in every sentence; furthermore, I find it hurtful that I was dubbed ‘Semi-Colleen’.
The perfect latte is 2:1 frothed milk to coffee. Obviously. (They didn’t even know this. OMG)
Looking back, I never got used to being bullied into writing all the bloody time, but word on the street is that’s what it takes to get published. Anyway, back to me and how I felt: bullied. Look at the photo below to see what I’ve dealt with. We are in a restaurant and they’re still working for the luvofgod! I know it looks like I’m not contributing but I’m actually mentally planning tomorrow’s dinner the sequel okay? Chill.
I suppose letting in on my writing project isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done, since my solitary writing wasn’t going super great- but only because I was too busy writing with them!! Here’s what I had so far:
The An A small tiny little duck gigantic goose flew hurled skittered raced over above across a the sky horizon atmosphere.
Whatever. My pretend agent wants me to strike out on my own eventually, and with some a lobotomy elbow grease I’m sure I can write my own friggin’ book; however, I’ll probably stick with for now because God knows they don’t have a blessed clue what to do with a semi-colon. Besides, I have way more Facebook friends than they do so how the heck would they even market a book without me? Duh. I’ll take pity on them and stay for one more book. Well, maybe a series. And a TV show. And a modelling contract. But that’s it! Then I’m goin’ solo. They’ll just have to deal with it.
PS Don’t forget to buy 1000 books okay? My counter tops are coming tomorrow and I have no means of paying for them so giddy-up!
PPS I’ll let you know when/where the books are available. They cost $10.95 each and here’s a special deal for you: I’ll give you 5 for $55.
Don’t bother with your calculator. Just trust me- it’s a steal! Bam. Write the cheque to me please. I’ll be sure the others don’t get their share. Blessings.