Look, don’t get me wrong. I’d love nothing more than to take a selfie right now and send it to you but MY EYES ARE BLOODSHOT FROM THE PRETEND PAPARAZZI’S CAMERA FLASHES! I didn’t want to say anything about it but since it’s all over CNN Facebook, let me explain– My book (Thanks & , for your help on it, by the way) is in Chapters in Dieppe, NB! Hold your applause– I just need a little break from all the attention. Okay. Break’s over. Back to me…
I’ll start with the moral of the story: Be careful what you wish for. I used to look at famous authors and think “Their book sucks!! “Man, that would be so cool to have my face splashed all over VOGUE Chapters book shelves like that. Frig. Then it happened to me and I couldn’t have been less prepared for the
deafening silence aftermath.
So I’d heard my our my our my our my (just sounds better) book Follow the Goose Butt, Camelia Airheart! was in Chapters and I wanted to see for myself. I hopped in my car and on the way there it hit me. I can’t just stroll into Chapters like a regular person anymore, I told myself. I’ll be mobbed for sure! Sigh. Bye bye, privacy and normal life! I parked the car and sat there for a minute wondering how other celebs handled this fishbowl existence. To no one in particular, I said, “Honkity hink! Focus and think!”(Ahem, read the book) The parking lot was empty (relief!!) so I slithered in on my stomach ever so stealthily.
Once inside, I shielded my eyes and squinted hard awaiting the frenzy of camera flashes. After smashing into a wall by mistake I opted for a disguise instead. Here’s how bad things got: I grabbed a scarf off the shelf and I wrapped it around my head in such haste I didn’t even realise IT WASN’T MY COLOUR!!! OMG. I looked super washed- out but I had no choice.
Then, I whipped out my oversized sunglasses from my purse and covered my eyes. I found a copy of the book and hid behind a book shelf (How does Justin Bieber LIVE like this I wondered.) I thought I heard, “Who’s the freak?? Beyonce! Over here!! Smile! You’re stunning!” but I
didn’t can’t be sure.
Look what I saw!! OMG- this woman- whom I’ve never laid eyes on before- LOVES it. Better order more, Chapters!! Just sayin.
I roamed around the store incognito for a while and I couldn’t believe how many places I found the book. This thing was on FI-YAH! Check it.
It was in the travel section because Camelia, the Canada Goose travels all across New Brunswick. Duh.
Are you kidding me? It’s only been in the store for an hour and this happened! Whoa.We are honoured.
When did the staff even have time to read it? What diff? We’re their faves! YES!!
Even the CEO of Chapters chose us?!! We are blessed.
Now THIS is cray cray. EVEN THE MANNEQUIN LOVES IT! I’ve never seen that before…ha ha
Here’s the shelf most of them are on. I find it kinda sad that the other authors don’t have a fighting chance but whoever arranged the books must have wanted it that way. Whatevs. (Shrugs shoulders).
Aaaaaand here’s a close -up of the book:
No I’m NOT hiding anything and I don’t like where you’re going with this! I got PLENTY of attention as a child and I don’t know WHY you’re saying I didn’t!! I’ll repeat: B & O have sucked up enough of the limelight already ( has another published book under her belt and drew the fancy pants pictures in the book, okay??). Can’t you just be happy for me for once? I don’t even know who my real friends are at this point. Fame taints everything eventually.
Things weren’t moving as quickly as I’d hoped. Sure, it’s
awesome hard to be bombarded by fans 24/7, but I wasn’t expecting crickets my disguise to be THAT good. I decided to remove the scarf and sunglasses and let the imaginary people have a shot at meeting me. As I slipped the sunglasses back into my purse, I heard the words I’d waited my entire life to hear, “Ma’am, let me escort you to the door. Would you mind signing these?” The lovely lady who worked in the store had somehow figured out I was the co- sole co- sole co- sole (just sounds better) author from when I jumped out of hiding and screamed, “Hey guess what you guys?? I wrote this book!!” and asked me to sign a few copies. Then she put this sticker on it. Note the singular (AUTHOR) noun. I begged her to add an an ‘s’ but she wouldn’t have it.
It’s hard to argue with stickers, don’t you find?
The signing went on for seconds hours. My wrist was practically falling off!!
Here’s me after signing the fifth gazillionth book without so much as a sip of water or confetti falling from the ceiling. I’d just about had it at that point. (Yes, I KNOW there are no people in the photo but that’s because there were no people this was taken 9 seconds before the people came. Be patient!)
Exhausted mentally and physically, it was time to leave. The nice security guard pushed me out held the door while I waved to my imaginary fans and blew kisses. What a
letdown rush! The second (but most important) moral of this story is pretty simple: If you don’t have your copy(ies) of Follow the Goose Butt, Camelia Airheart! you know what to do. Go to Chapters and tell them I sent you. They’ll remember me. Trust me.
PS I’m not allowed within 20 feet of Chapters for a ‘trial period’ (Blah blah blah) but if you would like me to sign your book, call my pretend agent and we can arrange it. Mmmwwwaahh (Famous author air kiss. You’re welcome)!