I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I certainly did for obvious reasons: Thanksgiving means kitchen time and that, dear friends, is where I suck shine big time! I can’t decide which I like more: The planning or the execution of Turkey Day! It’s all a potpourri of misery fun! I’ll share my tips for success with you if you promise not to be jealous. Focus on your own strengths and never mind comparing yourself to me. Disclaimer: Not everyone despises embodies Martha Stewart like I do.
My quest for the perfect Thanksgiving meal, which I hoped to brag about share on Facebook always begins weeks before the big day. I spend hours on the Internet searching for things like: How to cook a turkey so no one dies of salmonella memorable Thanksgiving meal. Then I make sure I have all the little extras to make the day extra special, such as LSD pretty napkins and a centrepiece for the table. Finally, I search for the turkey to end all turkeys. When I finally find the organic, vegan, sustainable bird at the local market, and the sweet elderly farmer tells me the price I double over and scream, “WTF!!” check to make sure it will feed eight people.
Let’s just say when Sunday came, I felt confident and prepared. As my husband and two sons slept soundly, I sighed loudly and barged tiptoed downstairs to jumpstart the magical day. I fetched the turkey from the fridge and basted it upside friggin down with a blend of sage, rosemary and thyme. Jealous yet? (Wink) As the bird roasted in the oven, I quietly counted my wine bottles blessings to remind myself of the whole purpose of Thanksgiving. Duh. When my husband woke up, I asked him to peel some potatoes. He obliged, bless him. It warmed my heart to see him standing there cutting those vegetables into non-symmetrical pieces with the wrong knife such enthusiasm. Swoon.
Things were under control and then some! Later that afternoon, my husband left to pick up our older son at university. My younger son was upstairs (probably cleaning his room again). I basked in the peaceful quiet and as the God-sent LSD turkey aroma kicked in, my senses heightened. It was wonderful! I wanted a second look at that psychedelic golden bird so I opened the oven to baste it. Caught up in the excitement (Now, don’t pretend you don’t love turkey basting, missus…), I pushed the turkey a little too vigorously and it went over the bottom rack and into the oven. Not to worry! My LSD trip calm demeanour and positive attitude saved the day! I just marvelled at all the turkey drippings floating in the bottom of my oven and hollered to no one in particular, “You miserable piece of—! “Who needs gravy anyway? It’s so fattening! Let’s hear it for cranberry sauce!” Things don’t always turn out as we plan but remaining
drugged cool is a must!
I was tickled pink when our extended family arrived later that afternoon! Don’t say I said so but I did find them to be a tad dramatic, with all their hacking and crawling on all fours because the kitchen was “filled with smoke”. Sure, the turkey juice that coated the oven got a little smoky but it’s not like the place was on fire. Sheesh. Anyway, once the smoke thinned a bit, we had a blast. I hadn’t formally organized any games but sometimes things just erupt spontaneously and you have to go with the flow.
Guess the Meat.
Silence The Smoke Detector
Team Hair Dryer won the challenge. Good on ya, guys!! Ha ha
And my personal favourite: Guess How Many of These I Can Guzzle the Grape! I won this one, BTW. Yay me!
As the games wrapped up, wouldn’t you know it? I realized I’d forgotten to put a water pitcher on the table. Grrr. Oh, and the oven caught fire. (Oh sure. You’ve never done this before. You’re sooo perfect)
My quick-thinking husband raced into action and poured baking soda all over the fire like he does to me when we play Rescue Me, Big Boy. I’m on Fire! But that’s none of your damn business.
Anyway, everything turned out fine. We hauled the turkey out of the oven and the crispy skin was the piece de resistance, thank you very much. What happened next blew everyone away. My handsome husband got down on one knee, looked deep into my eyes and- wait for it-sprayed a can of Easy-Off into the septic tank of an oven!! I was so shocked I screamed, “OMG, Yes! This is the happiest day of my life!!” There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.
Finally, with the fire merriment behind us, we sat down to eat. We toasted each other and promised to order in gather again next year. So what’s my secret to a successful Thanksgiving, you ask? Bascially, it all comes down to going insane with the flow, drinking pinot noir in the sight of loved ones, and counting your baking soda boxes blessings. I’ll admit not everything went according to plan but I did get a new Facebook profile picture to share with my friends! It may not be the stunning table with mountains of food, or the finely-dressed and smiling family singing Kumbaya that I’d imagined but it does reflect our festive and
flammable fun-filled Thanksgiving. Again, don’t be jealous. You probably have a nice profile picture too: