Halloween may not be your favourite holiday if:
- It takes seeing the neighbours’ houses dripping in orange lights, life-sized scarecrows and inflatable witches, to pressure you into throwing Molotov cocktails at them down a half-price, festering pumpkin on your front step on October 30. Here’s a nice one:
- On October 31, you put a sign on your front door: Trespassers will be prosecuted. (Google it).
- When you see Facebook comments like: Ta da! Check out little Hunter’s and my matching costumes! I whipped them up during my REM sleep phase. LOL. Sooo easy!! You post: Awesome job, Sandy! OMG Hunter is adorable! It’s uncanny how he has your (new) pouty lips…those collagen injections really ‘took’ this time. Your implants look great too, BTW! PS: I hope a hairy spider lays eggs in your nostrils tonight.
- On Halloween night, you always end up in the ER with tummy cramps, diarrhoea, and liver failure from pounding back too many Ruffles chips, Crispy Crunch bars and Bahama Mamas.
- When a van-load of sweaty, six-footer superheroes from another neighbourhood rings your doorbell, you give them the finger canned ravioli you opened yesterday.
- When you take your kids door to door you bring a mickey with you…to ward off the cold. Yea, that’s it.
- When a four-year old ‘princess’ points at the makeshift spider web you spent 3 endless minutes manipulating with your bare hands in the cold, and asks, “What’s that thing?” you smile really, really wide, bend down so you’re eye to eye, and say, “It’s a spider web,
moronsweetie. Oh look! I just gave the last of my candy to your polite friends. Boo hoo. Thanks for stoppin’ by.”
- When the doorbell rings after the 8 pm Halloween curfew, with a mouthful of chips and licorice you ask the law-breaking Batman, “You want canned tuna in water or oil? I have both.”
- You make a cosy little bonfire in your kitchen sink using the magazine featuring Martha Stewart posing with one million symmetrical, laser beam-carved pumpkins and Gummy-worm stew inside her Beetlejuice-themed grand room, holding a sign saying: “
In yo face, sucka!It’s a good thing.”
- When you get invited to a Halloween party, you say, “Are you kidding me? I’d love to but would you believe I woke up with leprosy?! Can you say ‘quarantined’? haha.”
**Please note: The opinions in this article do not reflect those of the writer. She looks jaundiced awesome in orange and black; she goes crazy for dressing up in a French maid costume; and she adores the fact that those tiny Kit Kat bars have only 20 calories each, so she can eat 25 of them and only consume 150 calories! (She failed Math, FYI).