‘Twas the night before Mother’s Day and all through the house
Not a teenager was shopping for books, bling or blouse
Instead they were nestled and snug in their beds
While visions of SFA danced in their heads
Their hoodies were strewn on the floor with no care
With sneakers and book bags and crap everywhere
And I intoxicated my jammies and Pa watching COPS
I wondered aloud: WTF is the point? Is it time for more Schnapps?
The moon on my new fallen breasts caused alarm
OMF Good Lord! They are droopy and so are my arms!
And look at this muffin top. What’s with this girth?
And then I remembered: Oh right. I gave birth!
To those slumbering sloth teens who were once little guys
That would plan for a month for an M-Day surprise
Bye bye happy days. Hello bed. Screw it I don’t care
Twelve hours of labour? Pfft. Didn’t even tear…much (22 stitches give or take)
I awoke the next day to my naked husband with a rose between his teeth and a pot of coffee for me an unpleasant clatter
And a smell that could only be burnt pancake batter
I pulled off the sheets and I threw up my Schnapps on my robe
To witness the teens as they wrecked my abode
Their eyes how they deadened. Their mouths did not move
Save for the odd mumble like: Whereizthefood? (Where is the food?)
Their iPhones were beeping and clutched in their palm
And into their screens they did mutter: Heymom
They spoke not a word and went straight to their task
And by that I mean stood there til one of them asked
“Wherzthepan?” (Where’s the pan?) “Werrstrved” (We are starved) “Canuhlp” (Can you help?) “Whasastov?” (What’s a stove?)
I’d never been prouder. They embodied love
The bustle began and I just couldn’t watch
I scurried and muttered to no one: Cook much?
They chopped and they splashed and they ruined my life zen
I took off, not wanting to see how it ends
Pa cursed and he shouted and called to the guys:
Quit texting! Get back here! Or somebody dies!
The chaos was mounting. My stomach did churn
I heard someone yelp “Stupdstovedamnimburnd”(Stupid stove. Damn! I’m burned!)
I soon heard the shout from my safe place in bed:
Heymomcomneeatcomchkoutwtwedid (Hey Mom! Come and eat. Come check out what we did).
I entered the kitchen and muffled a gasp
Looks lovely, I said as I reached for my flask
I gobbled it down and it tasted quite good
The teens were so pleased. They said: Wemadsmfood! (We made some food!)
As the last strip of bacon was hoovered and chewed
The teens mumbled: SeeyaIgotstufftodo (See ya! I got stuff to do)
With that they were gone to the top of the stair
They dashed away! Dashed away! Had not a care.
But I heard them exclaim: Happemothrsdaywishes (Happy Mother’s Day wishes!)
Heymomwudumindifwelftuthsdishz? (Hey mom would you mind if we left you those dishes?)