With Mother #$%ing Nature asserting herself yet again, I found myself making out with drooling on my pillow this morning, long after my usual wake-up time because schools were closed. Snow days are the best surprise imaginable and the number one reason people go into the teaching profession I keep living. However, not everyone maximizes them to their full potential. In case you’re wondering, this is what an optimum snow day looks like for me. Feel free to copy:
- Call the local newspaper office and go ballistic complain about your paper not arriving on time. Be professional but assertive:
“Mmm hmm. I certainly DO see the blizzard outside and I’m sure it can’t be easy navigating snow-filled streets with summer tires and zero visibility, but put yourself in my shoes for once in your life: Right now I’m in my fluffy red robe, bloated from breakfast, and sipping a hot cup of coffee…without my newspaper you lazy piece of…!”
- Eat every three hours minutes. Because I don’t have a pantry at work, I take advantage of having one within arm’s reach at home, and I make a concerted effort to open it every time I walk by it. Even raw rice
with maple syruptastes good when you aren’t used to eating it at 9:30 a.m. Note: wear nothing stretchy clothes on snow days.
- Spend four mind-numbing hours on Facebook rather than the usual two. Go even further and spread vile lies about unfriend anyone who went south or did anything that makes you hate your life. PS. I have no more FB friends. Their loss.
- Drink coffee. Pee. (Roughly every third time this should be in a bathroom) Repeat.
- Walk through each room in your house and imagine how much better they would look in cool, beachy tones instead of the crappy, depressing earth tones you chose a decade ago. Consider starting a small fire paint project in one of the rooms.
- Take a shower and get dressed. (Just kidding).
- Flip the bird to the snow plow driver. Then try it with some clothes on.
So as you can see, snow days can be a hoot if you put a little thought into them. This is essentially all that stands between you and total snow day awesomeness:
AND if you’re lucky enough to have a paper carrier with half a #$!ing clue winter tires, THIS: