Home » Uncategorized » New Year’s Resolutions: Do Diddly Squat

New Year’s Resolutions: Do Diddly Squat

 Every New Year’s Day I have a tradition: I take down the Christmas decorations; I reflect on the highs and lows of the previous year; and I write my lofty and specific suicide note resolutions, complete with timelines: write a book, run a marathon, and learn Swahili.  By the end of January.  Because the resolutions are unattainable, I spiral into a dark period of crime and drugs self-loathing.  It’s ridiculous.  This year I’m making my goals simpler.  I want to nourish my inner spirit,  set limits, and do diddly squat what feels right.  Here’s how:


  • Treat myself to new undergarments. No more gently used thongs camisoles from Salvation Army.  You heard me.
  • Take back my empties to the recycling depot time and do things when they suit my schedule. To that end, I will serve supper at 5:05.  Not 5:00.  Get over it.
  • Let my trustworthy horoscope energy guide my decision-making.
  • Only say yes to things that bring me an abundance of cash joy.
  • No more doing crap out of obligation
  • Medicate meditate every day. No excuses.
  • Repeat every morning: I am an alcoholic worthy and special.  
  • Don’t look down; they’re lower than they were yesterday back.  Look forward.
  • Face my fear of heights by getting higher than a bloody kite.
  • Break a rule now and then: Take Speed. Screw the cops. Twice.


There.  A simple, attainable list of goals that won’t overwhelm me.  I’ve already faced my fear of heights and it’s not even noon! This afternoon I may take speed. Who knows?  All I’m saying is this year I’m keeping it simple. What kind of idiot runs marathons speaks Swahili anyway? Duh.





14 thoughts on “New Year’s Resolutions: Do Diddly Squat

  1. Very impressive coming up with all that on January 1st. My new year’s resolution is the same every year: to never drink again.

  2. Hi Colleen,

    I guess I haven’t been checking email for a few days”’ Just saw the Hot-Flashin’ Mama…….It’s funny as usual…I liked the one” medicate every day ,,instead of meditate….lol

  3. My resolution is to never ever say to my mother in law, ‘Of course you can come for Christmas and no 16 days is not too long”!

  4. Hi Colleen,
    Look forward to your columns and am passing them along each time to my cousin…. Very clever and love the New Year resolutions. Happy New Year to you and Phil and the boys. Deirdre keeps me updated.

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