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Change Management

Change is God’s way of punishing us part of life. It’s true some handle it better than others but really, who among us hasn’t cried ourselves to sleep and refused solid food for weeks before an inevitable change  struggled with the occasional life transition? I’m thinking our son’s impending move to university warrants some shock therapy strong pharmaceuticals change-related emotions.  To prepare,  I’ve done some research and apparently there are  ways to ease the pain of your firstborn packing a suitcase and saying,  “Please don’t follow me.  Get some help. “ leaving the nest:

  • Turn your child’s bedroom into a meth lab.
  • Subscribe to Empty House. Empty Life magazine.
  • Start a new tradition, such as Naked Supper Night, to create new relationships with your friendly neighbours memories without him.
  • Dig out the Mother’s Day card he made you when he was 6 and show him where he printed: ‘i wil navr leve yoo.  I lov you.’  Tell him it’s legally binding and you’re taking him to court. #solved
  • Exercise your right to wear black and stay in bed for a year regularly to release endorphins.
  • Adopt a small village of cute babies to make you feel needed healthy attitude and embrace your child’s milestone.
  • Buy good street drugs just in case you can’t cope a dog for company.
  • Accept the invoice from the university that ensures you will soon be homeless and too busy scavenging for food to feel sad the unpleasant feelings and lean into them. They will probably never pass.
  • Consider camping outside his dorm room with fresh cinnamon buns for him and his nice little friends new hobbies and interests.
  • Repeat: I am a nutbar normal.  
  • Forge a stronger bond with your husband by insisting he take ballroom dancing lessons with you so you can post pictures on Facebook. Walk out of his life forever when he pretends he can’t hear you exploring new shared interests.

It’s comforting to know there are coping methods out there. Maybe it won’t be so bad afterall. Heck, I might even like a drug coma having one less person to nag clean up after. Essentially, it’s a question of attitude and I plan to face this with the best hallucinagens money can buy an open mind. I’ll work on that as soon as I mop up the blood spurting from my wrist.  A really sharp steak knife sawed into my flesh slipped while I was typing. Everything is fine.  Really. (Call 911)

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6 thoughts on “Change Management

  1. OMG! This is the best one yet. Meth lab! I really shouldn’t read these blog posts when I’m in a public place. Can’t control my laughter. 🙂 Thanks for making my day.

  2. lol Don’t forget to bring him a weekly care packlage while your picking up his dirty laundry to wash at home.. Each week you can delivery his clean laundry…Keep up the good work..

  3. He will survive – as long as Google is at the ready! Now if I could just get that tatoo off MY wrist with your university contact info for those nights you didn’t stick to beer…. the cops have been wondering why I’ve been periodically calling them with false info for the last 20+ years. #restrainingorder

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