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At times I feel like jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge wearing cement slingbacks a hamster on a wheel.  Things just pile up and I run through the grocery store screaming, “Why do you idiots keep moving things around in here anyway?? ” feel overwhelmed.  In search of serenity, I turned to alcohol meditation.  One friend said it helped her so much that she got out of jail early was able to function at a higher level.  I wanted that too.

Keen to try but not really knowing how to go about it, I lined up all my prescription bottles on the coffee table.  I chased every last pill with a swig of vodka.  Then I glanced at the magazine article I had consulted.  I rubbed my eyes hard when I saw the words:  How to Meditate. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was  stupid I felt when I realized it didn’t say: How to Medicate.   #stomachpump

I wasn’t about to be fooled twice so I decided this time to read the aforementioned article.  The next morning I got up early before the Corn Flakes carnage began boys awoke. I sat on the couch with my arms outstretched, placed both feet on the floor, and  asked the paper carrier to please get dressed and leave before my husband wakes up closed my eyes.  Then I started with deep, loud belly breathing. The purpose of this is to make you look and sound like a moron calm the mind.  At first it was hard to sit still so I painted the dining room and alphabetized the soup cans repositioned myself.  Then, I remembered reading something about choosing  a word that will calm you while breathing so I tried that; I went with ‘Pinot Noir’ ‘Namaste’.

Focusing on my word, I continued to breathe deeply. I felt myself go all zen-like. My limbs felt heavy, my head felt light and my coffee mug felt weightless in my hand. After I finished my third cup I remembered something else I’d read in that stupid, know-it-all meditation article: NO coffee, snacks or socialising.  Blah. Blah. Blah.  I rinsed my mug, wondering if this bootcamp crap meditation was for me. I decided to step away from it for a while and relax in a more traditional way: straight vodka a nap.

When I sobered up woke up  I gave it one last shot. I made sure this time I was in it for the long haul: I plumped the pillows on the couch,  I removed everything from the nearby coffee table, and I tweeted: #omgmeditationsucks  #dontdoit turned off my cell phone.  Arms by my side, eyes closed, and feet planted on the floor, I listened to my breathing.  In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out. With each breath, I went to the bathroom a deeper, more peaceful place. I could hardly believe I had to pee that often it was working! I was practically in another dimension.  Certain an entire season had passed, I peeked at the clock.  What I saw pushed me over the edge and made me grab the BBQ lighter and set the house on fire by mistake was shocking: a mere six minutes had passed.  Six minutes!!  That’s like 4 sips of coffee, a Facebook update, really great endless sex complete with chit chat and a foot massage or a light snack  I’ll never get back!

Once I got home from the hospital (2nd degree burns), I realized not everyone is cut out for sanity sitting in one spot for an extended period of time. We are all different and I had to learn to stop screaming at total strangers accept myself, sharp edges and all.  Besides, my AA meetings are helping me with that stuff.  #onedayatatime



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