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Sweat Nothings

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about when I say things can get pretty hot between the sheets these days.  If you’re like me, you often fall asleep and wake up to a hot neighbour flash.  You’re drenched, agitated, and hammer-wielding  exhausted.  After towelling off, you may find you can’t imagine why more women your age don’t just ‘off’ themselves get back to sleep.  If this happens to you, try one or any combination of the following:

  1.  Hold a pillow over your husband’s sleeping face.
  2. Buy something from the Shopping Channel.  Suggestion: a tranquilizer gun thick towel and thinner pjs.
  3. Flop and moan until your husband wakes up and asks what’s wrong. Answer, “Hmm?  Oh nothing.  I just wish I were skinnier and didn’t have so many wrinkles and was a decent mother and wasn’t menopausal and had a purpose  and could figure out what the hell color to paint the family room and what to have for supper tomorrow. Go to hell back to sleep, honey.”
  4. Hold a pillow over your dog’s sleeping face.
  5. Tweet:  @LandryColleen: Wide awake and lookin for some cheap street drugs sympathy.#callme
  6. Read. Out loud.  With a bright light.  Blurt, “What????” Look intimidated when your husband wakes up agitated.
  7. Enjoy the sunrise.  In fact, take a photo of it.  Then, just for fun, smash your camera to smithereens.
  8. Imagine fluffy, white sheep. Crushed beneath your foot.
  9. Set off the smoke detector.
  10. Go on Facebook and sabotage unfriend anyone who looks the least bit happy under the age of 40 and/or looks well-rested.

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